Mary: Doing so James, as you’re coming to see, because that’s how your parents treated you. You came to them with your bad feeling, they asked you if you needed to go to the doctor or just told you the reason why you felt bad and that you were then all right. Yet clearly you weren’t all right, but you not wanting to bother them being fearful of their angry reaction like you usually got, took what they said and dismissed your feelings, suppressing and then repressing them. So that’s what you did before you started your healing as you looked for the spirits help. You’d ask us about a problem you knew you had, wanting to know why you had it, how it related to your early life, we’d tell you, in keeping with what you wanted, and you were happy with that, which then allowed you to do what you were made to do by your parents treatment of you, dismiss the bad feeling, pushing it aside and burying it there to join all the others.
But now as I’m more aware of my feelings, I can long and ask the Mother and Father to help me feel the bad feelings more, and to help me express them, and to see the truth they are trying to show me; and I wait, and insights and things come to me further stimulating my bad feeling rather than helping me dismiss it. So I’m no longer looking to use the information to stop myself feeling bad.
And I can see that is really why I stopped feeling like meditating and praying formally over these years, I’ve still continuously longed for the Divine Love on the go so to speak, but have not actually sat in prayer longing for it.
This morning I was angry from a dream, and I longed for help to see the truth of it, and I could feel the past temptation to do what I used to do, try and use the information to stop myself feeling bad by using my mind because I have the mental answer. But it was great, I actually enjoyed feeling myself get angrier and go deeper into my bad feelings as my prayer progressed. And when Marion and I finished I was more than ready to start speaking about it all to her.
There is just so many ways that we deny our bad feelings.
Most of your parenting is to make you deny your bad feelings. And you learn lots of feeling-denying and so negative behaviour from your relationships with your parents and carers. And as you’ve seen James, it’s taking you years to unravel it all, to break it all down, all the elements of it and to see it for what it really is - what’s really going on.
As I’ve said before Mary, every day I am amazed by it all, just how much comes up in me - how much there is to see. That’s every day now for these past sixteen years! And only now do I feel like I’m understanding something of it. There are so many layers and levels to it all.
It is very complex, there’s a lot to the psychology of your development as children, far more than anyone on Earth realises. Seven mansion worlds worth and they are all in the negative, so not only do you have to see the truth of all the negative levels within you, but also the positive ones as you heal yourself. You are to see the truth of what is wrong - so why it’s wrong, how it all came about for you and how you are keeping it all going; all what you feel about it and how it makes you feel in it; and then you have to work out and feel all the right as that comes to light. And know, why it is right compared to the wrong. So yes, there’s a lot to keep you busy.
But the thing I’m appreciating now Mary, is that once I met Marion and she told me about my need to heal my childhood repression, and something of what was involved in it, and then our deciding to commit ourselves to doing it together, I started to feel less and less like meditating and praying for long periods of time for the Divine Love. I used to fight these feelings thinking that there was something wrong and I should apply myself more, but now I can see that actually my soul through my feelings was leading me out of doing it; and in the end I gave in and thought, well, if I’m trying to live true to my feelings and I feel not to do it, so stop, give up, and wait until I feel to do it, should those feelings ever come again. And I tried to speak about all the bad feelings I felt about no longer feeling inspired to do it, but I wasn’t much good at expressing them back then, but I can see it was all right for me to do it, to stop praying as I did, all so I’d not use the Divine Love and all that was told to me by spirits to block out my bad feelings.
There is certainly a great temptation to sit in prayer longing for the Divine Love forever all so one never feels bad again. But I guess as it happened to me, those people who are intent on using their feelings to uncover the truth of themselves won’t be able to do that either.
No they won’t. It’s more important for you to get on with your healing, to stay focused on accepting and expressing your bad feelings. It takes nothing time wise to long for the Love and one can do that during the day and night, but it takes a lot of time to keep speaking about all you feel, going over the same ground, slowly bringing your story to light, and all for yourself and the other person to see.
So although it is wonderful that we can long for the Divine Love, it can be a bit of a trap, our using it to make us feel better and deny more bad feelings.
Yes, another of the pitfalls you will have to avoid. The Divine Love had to be revealed to you, as that was what Jesus and my coming was all about, so we knew it would make things even harder for you in some ways, complicating everything even more, but it couldn’t be helped. And we knew the same when Jesus came to James Padgett re-revealing the truths about longing for the Divine Love, that a lot of people would recieve it and use it as yet another way to stop themselves from feeling their bad feelings. But again, that couldn’t be helped, the truth had to be given to you.
And in a way really it can be a huge stumbling block, this I’m only now starting to appreciate as we’re writing this.
Yes James, that’s right it can. However if people come to it through your work, then at least they will be able to see that it can be something to be aware of, and so they can choose to not use it to deny more of their bad feelings.
It’s a pity that it wasn’t all done in the right order, then we’d have been able to fully appreciate yours and Jesus’ coming. But really there’s no point in saying that is there, because had we been true, you’d probably not have come to Urantia.
Yes James, but such speculation even though fantasy does have its place, it helping you to see the true and proper order of how things should have been, and thereby helping to shed further light on how wrong things are for you and how it is so difficult and how you’ve been made to suffer because of the wrongness.
And as Jesus told you, we knew that we’d be writing all of this with you, and that you’d be questioning us and doing your healing and so able to discern the truths that one needs to see. And so here we are now, and we’re more than happy with all we’ve achieved with you. And it’s been throughly enjoyable.
Thank you Mary. And Mary, sorry to interrupt you, but I’ve got to go and have dinner.
We’ll continue tomorrow should you wish to James.