It concerns a sort of dream I had as I don’t even know if I was awake or not in it, bits of both I think, and not unusual for a lot of my sleep; but somewhere in it I felt really angry about my relationship with J..., how so much of it was so incredible, just a romantic Prince and Princess life, and yet how so much of it was so bad, our never really just being able to be together, and yet all of this was to do with all my past dreams I’ve had with her, nothing actually to do with the reality I shared with her, which as you know didn’t amount to anything at all. But I’ve had all this amazing dream stuff with her - with all my past girlfriends, all of which has helped me to wake up to my fuckedness and has led to my seeing so much truth about myself; but this morning, and what I’m wanting to ask you about, is, what is it all about, as I’m beginning to feel my life on Earth is more about my life I’ve had in my dreams than my actual waking reality. I’m now even beginning to feel like I could cross over into my dream state, and were someone to ask me about my life on Earth, I’d say, oh yes it was so wonderful... going on to recount dreams instead of the actual mundane boring reality of what it has been. The tedious hard grind of never feeling really good. And I’m beginning to feel like, I have sat for ten years at least in front of my fish tank looking at the lovely pair of Nannacara anomala I used to breed, and how much I’ve loved every second of it, and that’s all I ever want to keep doing, continue sitting there looking at them for hundreds of years to come, when the reality was I only had those two little fish for about a year or two and at best might have spent an hour or so after school on some nights and on the weekend watching them breed and rear their babies, not ten years. So I feel like I’m completely losing the plot, sort of fading off, and even wanting to fade off, into my dream reality with it becoming my real life and my real waking life becoming the horrible bad dream I once had. I feel like there’s not much of line between the two, and it wouldn’t take much for me to just go off in a permanent ga-ga state where I’m lost to my mind, floating away with J... and I... and my fish to a paradise of my own dreaming.
And then on top of all of this as I was trying to express my feelings to Marion this morning, I started to feel my calf muscles stiffen up, as if I wanted to bring my legs up into a contorted and twisted state, and then my whole body being bent and twisted; and the more I expressed these feelings, the more I felt like I hated being in mum’s womb, and that it was hell, and I feel like I was put through the wringer every moment I was in it, and that by the time they cut me out of her, I was well and truly fucked, that I should have just been stiff as a board, catatonic, so stressed, so full of her fear, so panic-struck; and really I can’t understand how I didn’t die, how I did go on.
And then worse still, suddenly the picture flashed into my mind of my dying inside her before I was born or when I was being born and her dying too, and oh my god the horror of it all, her being with me in spirit, being my mother and my never being able to get away from her. When all I’ve wanted is for her to die, and as she hasn’t, now for me to die, so I can be as far away from her as possible, this my oh so loving mother that I used to believe loved me and I loved her so much.
And then I felt like she was shaking me, and that she shook me within and inch of my life many times. And I don’t if she actually did, I can’t remember, but all fits in with how I feel about myself, even if it’s all just emotional shaking.
But lately these experiences are expanding my awareness exponentially to seeing how fucked I am, and how I just had no idea as to the extent of all that’s happened to me, and that indeed happens to us all. How deep it all is, and how many depths to it there is, and it’s just huge all the horror that’s done to us. And we have no idea at all.
But Mary, I don’t want to live a dream life having no real life at all.
No, not anymore, but you did, it making you feel better than your waking life. You’ve also been freer so you’ve believed in your dream life, and so have carried on the two realities simultaneously, living more in your dreams and fantasies than in your real life - but all being done in your mind. But as you’ve now given up so much of your need to live this way, you are no longer fighting within yourself about this, so you want to be more in your waking life with Marion because she is there for you truly and you can have a real relationship with her even though not much else happens in your life and you feel bad most of the time. Still it’s better than feeling always rejected as you felt through your childhood. And so the more you are wanting to come back out of hiding in your unreality - your dream and fantasy life, so the more you’re able to see just how big and important it was for you, how much you invested in it, and how much you depended on it to help you through your day.
So really it’s been my drug, my alcohol to get me through.
Yes, that’s what’s helped you block out and anaesthetise yourself to your bad feelings. So it’s why your little fish and your sexual fantasies and all the other fantasies you’ve had about business and creating your own paradise-lake and so on have been so appealing for you. And why throughout your healing you’ve had to focus on them all, spending time actually following through on them, running them through to their fruition, which includes why you’ve had to have so many dreams involving your past girlfriends.
So sort of like out-working it all, the seeds that were created in me, so I’ve been able to in a fantasy way, actually experience all I was longing to experience or dreaming of experiencing with those people and the fish.
Yes, you’ve had to explore it all, as it’s all part of your personality, your creative expression, only it was being, or trying to be, expressed in the wrong place. For people such as yourself James that do have a very active psychic part to their personality, it, along with everything else has been seriously distorted and damaged, and all of what you’ve done involving your dreams and fantasies has been about sorting it out, all helping you decide whether or not you do actually want to live in that unreality or your waking one.
And someone like Marion who’s not all caught up in her dreams and fantasy stuff-
She wasn’t allowed to escape and so create her alternative reality like you were. You were encouraged to develop it, to fantasise and dream, whereas Marion was strictly forbidden to go off into her own minds creation. She had to remain practically focused on life, whereas you were forced into the alternative life. And I will add, she is just as psychic as you are, everyone is, it’s all a natural part of our personalities, only she doesn’t actively express it in the same way you express yours, hers is completely attuned to her feelings and feelings in others. Yours is all mixed up in your mind.
Yes, she is very perceptive about the feeling side of things, sometimes I think she’s even in tune with my thoughts and feelings as I’ll think and feel something and she’ll feel I’m saying something to her asking me what was it I said as if she didn’t quite hear it.
Yes, she’s very near to being how we are in spirit, being able to communicate directly on the psychic level, for that’s how we all communicate in spirit - mental telepathy. And so as everyone can do it, it shows it’s a natural part of our personalities, only when you are living focused in the physical world, then mostly you function through your physical senses. But the more you heal and develop your soul perceptions, so the more the subtle levels of reality come into play. And as you’re so out of touch with your feelings having been heavily retarded in this area, and coupled with an over-developed dream and fantasy life, so you’ve got to bring the two back into balance, which is naturally happening as you heal yourself. And once you’re healed then your psychic expression will be driven from your feelings and not as it has been, from your mind.
And so like everything, really it’s been just another way I’ve used my mind to have control over myself, over my feelings.
Yes, and extremely so. However the upside, and there is always a positive side to the negative, is that it’s allowed you to be open to this sort of communication with us, with all the spirits you talk to and with the Mother and Father, all of which has helped you to put it all together, that which you are to reveal.
So Mary, what will come of it all, my dreams and so on... and I know what you’ll say, but as you always say more as well, so I’ve asked you that question.
What you know I will say James is that it’s not for me to tell you, you’ll find out as you continue to grow in truth. And what I will add, is that it’s going to be a very satisfying faculty you have in it, it will bring you immense pleasure once you are fully healed.
Mary, as it seems like I have so much to heal, and it will go on forever... so, you’re not actually speaking about it making me feel good during my earth life, you mean in spirit.
No James, but yes also in spirit, but I was saying it regarding your physical life. So to complete the sentence you were starting to write, there will be time left of your physical life for you to experience feeling good having healed all your untruth. You are to finish your healing before you die, that much I can tell you, and in fact it’s imperative that you do, that both you and Marion do. So you’re going to be around for a little while longer.
It’s just more agony Mary, that’s all my life is. This morning, yesterday and more so lately, I’ve been feel particularly wretched, so fucked, like I’m being dragged along a bed of nails. I felt very sick yesterday, so full of yuk, as if I’d been poisoned by it all, that it was in my veins, the poison of mum, that her unloving poisonous blood was flowing through me.
Which it was when you were in her womb.
It’s all real, so terrifying - so frightening.
Yes James, for how else can it be when you are conceived into an anti love environment, and all you want is to be loved; and you are longing and reaching out, yet all you get is rebuffed, told no, it’s not for you, we don’t want you, go away, go and amuse yourself in your mind. That causes a lot of pain, and that’s what you’ve been feeling more of lately. And it’s all to help you see, which you were saying, the extent of it, of all the suffering, and how little you and most people are unaware of it. And you’ve suffered it all through your forming years, formed into and so are of it, and so you think it’s normal life and you’ve got nothing else to compare it to. But as you’re waking up to your true feelings, they are helping you compare it, and so you’re being able to see the complete horror of it all.
I think that most people wouldn’t want to read all I’ve written on my Childhood Repression website because it would be too confronting, and who wants to feel bad, it all being so negative, and yet I’ve hardly said anything to the actual depth of the horror of it that I feel and have experienced, it’s all - now I think - a very mild and even gentle introduction to it. And I used to think it was too heavy a slap in the face and I should try and soften the blow somehow. Now I think it’s all tame what I’ve written, and really the true pain of it I couldn’t begin to write, let alone articulate trying to express it to Marion.
No one can, and it’s not to be, however in time as the whole of humanity progresses more in the healing of their evilness, people will be able to have a good go at it, at describing their depth of misery and despair; the hurt, pain and suffering they feel, the anguish of their soul. But that’s not for you, you will also be able to in time when you come to spirit, but for now you’re just required to have an overall picture of it, a feeling for it you might say.
So my complete understanding about all I’ve been subjected to, and all about my negative state won’t come to me by the time I finish my healing.
No, you’ll be continuing to grow in your understanding and awareness of it all right the way through eternity, only from the perspective of perfection once you’re healed of it. We all are, Jesus and I are growing daily in our understanding of what evil and perfection are - what love and no-love are all about, as it’s all part of our personality experience. And through our interaction with you and humanity, and the humanities of the other rebellious worlds, we are continually growing in our understanding. And as the negative exists alongside the positive, so there will undoubtedly be more manifestations of evil in Creation that’s to come, all of which in one way or another we’ll all be involved with, it all being part of our experience with our Mother and Father.
Mary I have sort of a belief I guess, that once I’m done with my negative state, once I’ve healed it, that’s it, I’ll no longer have or want to have anything more to do with evil, enjoying the rest of eternity as far away as I can from all this horror and yuk.
Which is understandable James whilst it’s still hurting you and making you feel bad. Naturally you want to be rid of it all, however once it has all gone and you feel good and no longer tainted by it, then you’ll start to feel very differently about it all. And you won’t want to get as far away from it as you can. You will in fact want to go the other way, seeking to understand it more, all of which will help shed even more light on all you’ve been through. And even though you are currently hating it all, the more of it you can experience, the better, for it will then be there as feeling-memories to help you understand it more and go even deeper into yourself and into what soul and personality are, once you’ve healed it.
Thank you Mary; thank you so much for all you say and all you’ve told me and all you’ve helped me to understand. I do love it all so much with you and Jesus.
I’ll speak to you after breakfast if you want to continue. Bye for now, Mary M.