It relates to a comment posted in post 20 and the feelings it made me feel as I read it. I wanted to know why I felt such feelings; what was the hidden and underlying truth that made me feel them, this being all part of my uncovering the truth of my childhood repression - it being part of my ongoing feeling- and soul-healing. I will point out as I write about my healing experience the basic feeling-healing principles as outlined by Mary and Jesus.
As I read the comment I started to feel bad, this being the first important step in the feeling-healing process, to acknowledge to oneself that one is indeed feeling bad (or good, but really it’s the bad feelings we need to focus on the most). So I allowed myself to feel as bad as my feeling was making me feel, and stopped myself using my mind to try and soften or lighten, or even remove, the bad feeling. I want to feel bad if I feel bad, no longer wanting to try and do what I used to do to stop myself feeling bad. But I don’t want to just feel bad for the sake of feeling bad, I want to then use that bad feeling to help uncover hidden truth in myself - the truth of why I am feeling bad. And I want that truth to come up naturally within me through my feelings, I don’t want to go off trying to find it using my mind. I want my mind to keep out of the whole process as much as possible.
As part of my bad feeling acceptance, I am writing about it. Ordinarily I would have spoken to Marion about it, but I didn’t feel the need to, as I’ve expressed many such feelings like this previously to her, so this time, I only felt like writing about it. But I want to stress, speaking about it all is what’s most important, to let the energy of your feelings come out your mouth. Writing about such things is still too mental and only a very poor second when you can’t openly speak about such things. So if you, dear reader, want to do your feeling-healing, yet don’t have anyone you can openly share all you feel with, and writing is a possible option for you, then you are more than welcome to use the Feeling Bad? Forum to do so.
Anyway, to continue: I feel bad, bad, bad, very bad, I feel very bad. I feel like I’m sinking down, down into a dark hole; and I have a feeling of despair coming up within me, deep despair... And feelings of feeling hopeless, a hopelessness of not being able to have a say, just having to be subjected to this thing, this thing I don’t want, that which is making me feel bad.
The idea is to try and describe all the bad feelings, and then to speak (or write) them as much as you can. What the feelings are making you feel, with the idea of using your feelings to take you further into other feelings. So for example: what does the feeling of feeling hopeless make me feel; and of despair: what does feeling so despairing make me feel? To keep trying to say as much about these feelings as possible.
Feeling so despairing and hopeless makes me feel powerless. I feel so inept, unable to do anything. It’s as if I’m being hit by this thing, I have to take it, I have to accept it, even though I don’t want to. Yes, I have to believe it. I hate what was written, reading it makes me feel like I want to vomit, I hate all what I call New Age shit, it’s all so meaningless, so pointless, there’s not truth in it, and it’s parroted out by everyone as if it’s all what being spiritual is all about, when it couldn’t be further from the truth, it taking you further away from yourself. But why I feel bad is because I feel that I am supposed to go along with it, join in with it, accept it, and even say yes to it, that it’s right, I agree. I can’t say no, I hate it, I disagree with it.
And this then leads me further into myself: why can’t I say no, this being my feeling of feeling so powerless, that I must say yes and not no, that I can’t have my own power, this being of course why I really feel bad. And so at this point I long for the truth. Mother and Father, can you please help me to see the truth of why I can’t say no. I ask Them for help through my feelings and not just with my mind, it’s not a mental exercise. I long to know the truth with all my heart. I know it’s within me somewhere, and down hidden in my early childhood, so I’m also longing to know how does this relate to my early life, and the relationships I had back then that formed me. But again, I don’t use my mind to go hunting back into my childhood trying to work out how it all came about, what happened to me, how I was treated that made me not be able to say no, and that gave me all my bad feelings about this.
The main feeling I’m the most intrigued about is why I believe and feel I have to go along with what was said in the comment; why I have to put myself aside, all I believe, and for some reason, go along with and agree with what is said. Because as I said, the next day I had none of those feelings; so why now, what is ‘up’ within me today making me feel this way; what is it all about, what is the truth of myself in this moment, and what are my feelings trying to help me to see about myself.
Having longed for the truth of these feelings I let that go and concentrate again on speaking (writing) about what I’m feeling. Why do I feel like having do drop myself, put myself aside, and instantly, and pay attention to them, and then do as they say. Why do I have to do what the words in the comment say when I don’t even believe them, when I hate them, when I detest them, when I feel they are so wrong, when I feel like they are an insidious creeping horrible thing that’s trying to creep into me and change me, and make me be as they are. And why do I feel so powerless in not just being able to say: Oh that rubbish, who’s interested in all that crap, it’s all such nonsense, so why even bother with it at all. But I have to bother with it, and that really annoys me; and now I feel really angry about it. I have to bother, it makes me say that I have to pay attention to it, that’s what it’s saying to me: ‘You have to listen to me, you have to take me seriously, I know better than you, I know what you need, and you need to listen to me. So, DO YOU HEAR ME! LISTEN TO ME! I know what’s best for you, you don’t know, you don’t know what is good for you; I do, I AM YOUR MOTHER, AND I KNOW, AND I KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU, AND YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME!’
It’s all deep hard psychological self-therapy, but as you keep expressing your feelings the truth comes, you might just hear yourself saying what was said to you during your forming years.
And there you have it, the truth! It’s come up and out of me. I can hear my mother’s words in my mind as I’m writing them, as I would, should I be speaking them to Marion. And this is the truth I was longing to see, this is what my feelings are showing me. That I was forced to listen to her, that she insisted that she was right, that I was wrong, that she knew better than me, so I had put myself aside and go along with her, be as she is, all of which has caused me no end of problems within myself.
And so now: how do I feel, how do I feel about her interfering with and controlling me in such a unloving way? And I feel very angry, I resent her intrusion in my life, her very presence, and I feel very bad that she doesn’t love me, that she forces me to be as she wants me to be. And over the years I have expressed endless amounts of misery feeling so bad because of her not loving me. Now I no longer have such misery with me and it’s more about being so angry that: How dare she treat me this way, what right did she have to make me have to put myself aside and take on all she said. And I’ve seen for myself as I’ve grown older that all she said was bullshit, meaningless, it was just nonsense, just like these words in the comments. And then to top it all off, there are those love and kisses at the end of the comment, just as my mother would always say - ‘Love you Jay’. And yet what is all this love, when all I feel - ALL SHE MAKES ME FEEL - is not loved. It’s false love, affectation, a show she’s putting on, just as it is in the comment. I feel de-powered, I feel very despairing in my relationship with her because I don’t have power in it, I don’t have any say; I can’t say no, fuck off, to her, that wasn’t tolerated. She came down hard on me, I had to comply and go along with her, doing and being as she said I was to be, and all at the expense of myself being able to express the real and true me. So I crunched myself, and then I had to accept as well, just to complete my self-denial, that she loved me. And the worst part was, I DID! I believed I loved her, I went along with it, I swallowed it all, I became as she is. So I changed myself, I put myself - my truth, aside, just as I feel I’m supposed to do when I read these words in the comment. I am meant to instantly wipe myself aside, to stop being as I am, and be as these words are saying. I am to stop believing all I do and believe what these words are saying. But NO, not now, no longer, because now that I’m uncovering this hidden truth within myself, I’m bringing myself back, the me she didn’t want; and I am being able to say no, fuck off you horrible and nasty words, go away, I’m not going along with you. All of which is really what I’m now able to say, at least in my mind and in the safety of my own living room: fuck off mum, go away, leave me alone, I’m not listening to you, I’m not going along with you, I’m not putting myself aside and compromising myself, damaging my will and self-expression. I am not going to do as you say, you can go to hell. And if you try and make me, then look out because I am no longer the little helpless and at-your-mercy child I was, now I will yell and scream and punch you in the face, if it comes to that, all to stop you from overpowering me and making me be as you want me to be.
And I keep going expressing and talking about all the different aspects of it with Marion. And I go back and start again, putting myself back in the first bad feeling as I read the words, if I feel I need to, if I feel there is still more to come up, all by using my feelings to lead me. And I keep longing for the truth, and I keep speaking all that comes to mind, no matter how mad it all might sound; and I keep going and going until I feel there is no more to say. And then I know for the time being I’ve uncovered all the truth I am to see.
And when I’ve seen all I am to see through my feelings about my relationship with mum in this case, then the bad feeling will go, as I will have expressed it all out of me. I might feel bad again about it all later, or the next day, and that just means there’s more to be seen in it, so again I’d go back into the bad feelings speaking about them and longing for their truth.
And this is my spiritually growing in the truth of myself. And I believe that it’s the only way we are to, and can, grow spiritually, by using our feelings to uncover aspects of ourselves. And all the rest of the stuff, like what was written in the comment, is just mind stuff, having nothing to do with going into yourself, into your feelings, all just fuel to give your mind what it needs to stop you uncovering the truth through your feelings.
So I am grateful for the comment as it has made me feel bad, and through those feelings I’ve now connected more with my relationship with my mother, it adding to all the other parts of my relationship I’ve uncovered about her. It all adding to the evolving truth within me about myself, all helping me to get to know myself and to understand why I am as I am. And as I know I am fucked living in a negative and unloving state of mind, it’s helping me to see the truth of why I am, how it all came to be, and how I’ve been made to be of it. I was made to take on all mums shit, believe it, putting myself aside, and not being able to stand up to her and say no. And it’s fucked me up so much that now as an adult I don’t know my own mind, I don’t stand true within myself, I still have this part of me that as soon as anyone says, that no I’m wrong you should believe this or be like that, it keys straight into how it was with mum, and I think I should be as it says, even though I can clearly see and think with my mind, no, that’s all wrong and I don’t agree with that. But under this, as my feelings have helped me see today, my ingrained patterns are still very strong, and I have to accept that really I do believe that as soon as anyone says anything to me, I must drop myself, push all I think and believe aside, and do as they say, and believe and think as they do. All of which is killing me to do. All of which is a huge part of my self-denial.
So today I have seem more of my problem, how I was treated and how I treat myself. And that’s all I have to do. The last part of my healing is that I don’t have to do anything to then try and fix myself, I ONLY HAVE TO UNCOVER AND SEE THE TRUTH OF WHAT I’M FEELING. And when I have, the Mother and Father through the Divine Minister, and in conjunction with my soul, will change my inner circuits, my inner patterns - they do the actual healing. And gradually as I come to see the truth of myself in my negative state, I am healing, I can feel it. And then next time should I receive such a comment, and if I’ve healed all that’s blocking me from being my true self; and if there is no more truth for me to uncover about it, then I won’t feel bad. It no longer key into that part of my pattern anymore.
So that’s basically how Marion has helped me to accept, express and use my feelings to uncover the truth of myself. She helped, and still helps me, to identify the bad feeling, even helping me to understand I am feeling bad, when I’m so often shutting out such bad feelings. Then to express the feeling, to effectively allow it to say what it wants, for it - which is really me, as I am my feelings - to say what I’m feeling. And to not be judgemental, just to go with it, prompting me to go deeper and further by asking: And how does this make you feel... and how does feeling this make you feel... and... And then to long for the truth. And all the time to keep expressing all I think and feel. And not to then try and change the problem within myself when it becomes apparent, to simply stay focused on the feelings and the truth. And how does seeing this truth about myself make me feel. And on and on it goes. Always more feelings giving rise to more truth.
And so to conclude, if you feel angry, anger I would imagine being a very common bad feeling of yours, then try to go deeper into yourself by asking yourself as you acknowledge your anger: yes, I feel angry... but why: What am I feeling before the anger or underneath it, that is making me feel angry? Such as: Am I feeling powerless in some way; and if so, why: why do I feel powerless, what’s happening, what am I feeling that’s making me feel powerless and so angry. And instead of dumping your anger on the thing or person making you feel angry (which of course you can do if you feel to do it), stop and bring yourself back to yourself looking to uncover the truth of why you are feeling angry. The dumping of anger and hitting back, might only be part of your defensive behaviour, all designed, so you believe, to give you back some feelings of power, yet all whilst you are using your anger outburst to block out all the deeper hidden bad feelings. So your so-called anger expression is merely yet another way of denying bad feelings.
And as far as I’m concerned, all the other so-called spiritual and religious stuff that we call being spiritual or say is helping us to grow in truth, is only mind stuff, and is all about helping us to stop ourselves from using our feelings to uncover the truth of ourselves, which is how we do actually spiritually grow.
To see the truth of your whole negative state through your bad feelings is a gruelling experience to say the least. It’s agonising, having to systematically be stripped back to your bear bones, to feel all your hidden pent up pain, and to try and express it all, pushing on through your blocks and all that’s within you resisting such pain. But it’s all pain you felt during your early forming years from conception onwards. And it’s all still within your soul, and one day, it all has to come out.