Mary: Yes James, and it’s all good, it’s all helping to bring you out, helping you to become your true self.
I know Mary, and I want it to come up and out, but shit I hate it when I’m in it, I feel so mad, nothing makes sense, I just want to smash myself, everything and everyone else. I feel torn apart deep within me, nothing is right, I’m all bad, and it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s all wrong.
All being how your parents made you feel and all the beliefs you’re locked into James. And all you can do is all you are doing, just keep speaking about it all whilst you’re longing to uncover the truth.
I try, but as you know, I’m no fucking good at expressing my shit feelings, it’s still so difficult for me even after all these years. Every time I move into deeper stuff, it’s yet another part of myself that’s hidden away, and then I’ve got to go through the same process of trying to feel what I’m feeling, accepting those feelings and express them to Marion, all over again. It’s so difficult, and it’s such a shit that God puts us in our shit and then we’re left having to get ourselves out of it. I feel so alone, so unloved by God or anyone else at times; and really writing all this stuff with you, I mean, what is it for, I still don’t know why I want to do it, and when I feel like this I want to dump it all, for what good is it going to do anyone, let alone myself.
But I don’t know why I want to write all of this and put it out there for everyone to feel bad about. I mean, nothing I say is going to make anyone feel good. Okay, so it might be the truth, so you might actually be who you say you are, and I might not be deluding myself, and it might not be one huge fantasy of mine like Marion reckons it is, but still, I can’t find the truth of why I want to do it, I just feel I want to do it, and it’s almost like a compulsion - I have to do it!
All so you have the experiences you need James, all so you can slowly become true to yourself. You want to live true, that is your intention in life, so that is what’s happening. You can’t control or determine what you need, and as you’re trying to set yourself free of your negative mind and will imprisonment, so you need to be moved around in life making you feel bad all so you can express those feelings that are making you angry, all so they will lead you further back into your repressed childhood anger, so you can connect with it, accept it, express it all to Marion, and uncover the truth of it.
Yes Mary, but it never fucking ends, it’s all right for you, you and Jesus were perfect and didn’t have to worry about all of this shit, but it’s so fucking maddening, so dementing and it just goes on and on, years now, years and years of feeling fucking awful all day long, miserable day in day out, and all so I uncover the truth of how fucked I am. I know how fucked I am, I’ve been shown it for years now.
But you still don’t see it all yet James, there is still more of how wrong you are to see, for if there wasn’t then you’d not be still needing to do your healing.
I know and that pisses me off too, because I don’t want to still be wrong, that’s what it’s all about this morning, mum and dad kept saying I was wrong, wrong how they wanted me to be, it was all always for them, never for me, and I’m fed up with that, I want to go back to them and tell them to fuck off, to leave me alone and that if they don’t like me how I am, to kill me, to give me away or something, because I don’t like them how they are always telling me that I’m bad and making me have to change myself. I’ve changed myself so much, and into what; I’ve changed myself into being wrong, into being this evil fucked-up person when I wasn’t fucking wrong or evil to begin with. They made me be how I am, God made me perfect and they’ve fucked me around, and I’m fed up with their fucking me around, but I can’t go back, it’s all too late, so all I can be is the fucked-up person my parents have made me be.
That’s right, and all you can do is keep expressing all how bad you feel and uncovering the truth of such feelings; and as you’re seeing, the understanding is coming to you, along with the feelings of how it should have been and how your parents should have treated you and how they should have loved you. You, as does everyone, has to come to see the truth, and so understand, what was done to them by their parents, how they were treated to make them deny themselves, to make them be wrong and evil, and to heal all their buried repressed feelings, and all the bad feelings you feel about it.
But Mary, seriously, who’s going to want to do that. I am telling everyone that they are wrong, no one is going to want to hear that shit. All they will do is feel hurt, and threatened by me, no one wants anyone telling them they are wrong. And talking about peoples religion, it’s their whole culture and way of life, it’s all what a lot of people only have in their lives, and so for me to come along and tell them they are all wrong in what they believe, their religion is shit, just one big fantasy and it’s only helping them deny more of themselves and their bad feelings, they’ll want to nail me to the cross just get rid of me and stop me making them feel bad - worse than they are already feeling. And I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, as so many people are already feeling so bad, it is after all what they are involved in their religions for anyway, to do something that stops them from feeling bad and helps them to feel good. So who am I to say, no, you can’t do that, you have to stop it, you’re all wrong, and don’t you see, you’re only hurting yourself even more by continuing on in your religion. I sound like my bloody mother and grandmother.
It’s all so fucked, everything is so wrong, why couldn’t you and Jesus have just told us the good news, fucked off our evilness, so we could have all got on with it, striving to live true like you both are, instead of you being limited and having to be conditioned by the evil, all so you don’t interfere with it. But we want you to interfere with it, we want to be helped, we want you to save us; and yet you say, it’s all right doing as you do, we’re not going to stop you. And so we go on building all these horribly greedy and cruel institutions that we call our religions, all that we worship and love so much, and yet all you read all day along is about the corruption and power and control they all want, all being the very evil that they say they are trying or supposedly protecting their faithful from. It’s so insane.
I know James, but that it how it is, Jesus and I can’t and aren’t to stop the evil you are all in, you are to do that for yourselves. We could and did stop it from continuing in the spirit worlds, but we couldn’t interfere with it on Earth because we weren’t part of it, we remained separate from it being in our perfect states. So it requires people who are of it, who themselves are imperfect and evil, to stand up to it and so no, no more, we don’t want it, and then to possibly shed light on the wrongness if that’s what they feel to do. And that’s what you feel to do, and it’s what you are wanting to do, and so you will keep doing it, and all the way along, like as you are doing now, protesting and expressing your anger and striving to see the truth of it, all which is standing up to it within yourself, and that’s all anyone can do. And so because you are wanting to do that, so Jesus and I are taking advantage of that, as you want us to help you, and so we can through you, help you and others if they want to see and uncover the truth for themselves through what we write together. And yes, what you say about telling everyone they are wrong is correct, because they are, you all are, and that’s the terrible truth you all have to face. And some people being closer to that truth will be able to accept it, others will of course reject it, but until humanity does accept it nothing will change, you will continue to go around and around in the same cycles you have for these past two thousand years, with more and more people feeling increasingly bad and not knowing what to do with their bad feelings. And so we are now offering such people an alternative, and it’s very simple to understand, yet as you say, hard to do. But if you do accept your bad feelings, all the feelings you are denying, speaking about them instead of rejecting them, and seek their truth, then you will start to move out of your negative self-denying state of mind and will, into one of a more self-loving and positive state. However, as you are feeling James, it’s very difficult, it’s very hard to do and will take your complete dedication to the feeling-healing process for you to get anywhere with it, and to ultimately end your self denial. You are having to stand up to the evil within you, the evil that you are, the evil that you’ve been made to become by default from your parenting. Mostly your parents didn’t mean it, they didn’t understand they were subjecting you to the same evilness they were subjected to, and that’s what humanity can now start to wake up to, that you are all doing it to each other, keeping the whole thing going by passing it from parents to child, and that nothing is ever going to get better until you stop and face the truth of it. And when you do that, then every belief, including all your religious and spiritual beliefs will be called into question; and if you sincerely seek the truth of your evilness, if you do genuinely and with all your heart want to know what is wrong with you, then those beliefs will all be broken down as you come to see they are only controlling you in ways that make you feel bad. And as Jesus and I are only concerned with the truth, so we are approaching our relationship with you to shed light on the untruth; so we are discussing and speaking about all the erroneous religious and spiritual beliefs people live. And as all are wrong and all will one day go, so as you say, everyone is going to be feel confronted by us. But that’s just how it is. It’s how it was in Jesus and my day on Earth, and it’s still how it is, and that’s the trouble, nothing has changed since we were on Earth, and things have in many ways only got worse. So there needs to be a complete re-think, that being what Jesus and I are offering you.
Yeah well I think it’s going to be a bit much to ask of people. I at least had these healing years to get used to the idea that I’m fucked and evil and full of shit, but to just put it out there cold and with no warning and stuff it in everyone’s face.
I understand James, however there is simply no other way, and there is also something to be said for shock tactics, and also from a logistical point of view and how things are technically in the universe, it’s how it will be.
Mary, now having got home, I feel even angrier, fuck I feel pissed off, so fucking angry, angry, angry, raging with anger, I wish I could simply vent it all. I can feel it being all my shit from my early childhood, my parents didn’t allow me to be angry, to express it all, they controlled me to always be nice and not fight mum who was always angry all over me and everyone else. But fuck I wish I could go back and just have it out with them, give it all - all my anger and rage, back to them. Just yell and rage and fight and scream and hit them like they hit me.
I don’t know Mary, this telling everyone about all this stuff, really what good is it going to do. I feel like, yet again, I’m right on the verge of giving it all up, and perhaps that is right, and besides, I don’t even know for sure if how Marion and I are trying to live is the right way to live. Sure I’ve gradually felt better and better over the years and I’ve been able to see through most of the bullshit that everyone is so caught up in, but what good has that done for me. I still feel like shit so many days, and even though I believe it’s helping me, maybe it isn’t, maybe I should just go and join a church and quote the bible at everyone all day long and be joyously happy like so many of those Christians seem to be, all happily believing they are going along the right track and that Jesus who is God is going to come and get them one day or something like that because they are very good little boys and girls knowing their bible and being able to say all the quotes and sound all very important, and they do all their right prayers and are such nice all-loving people, and I can’t bear it all, it’s all so false and contrived, and so I won’t go and join any church because that’s what I can’t stand: all that fucking falseness.
So then I come back to where I am just feeling angry and fucked off with everything. Maybe I should just throw all my writing in the bin and be done with it, if other people want to find the truth, and if how Marion and I are living, trying to be true to our feelings instead of denying is the right way, then they will find that out for themselves just as we have, and they don’t need the likes of me bleating in their ear.
But I just want to keep writing, which is all probably as Marion says, part of my refusal to honour all my bad feelings; and I want to keep putting it out there and seeing how many hits I can get on Before It’s News and see if I can make it to the top of the hits chart and it’s all so pathetic and just what I can’t bear either, but FUUUUKKKKKK! I just want to yell and scream and smash it all - smash myself. I don’t give a fuck about other people any more, they can all go on living in their self and nature abusive lives, it’s not for me to say they can’t, but I want to smash myself up, fuck myself up, blow myself to bits because I HATE MY BAD FEELINGS, I HATE FEELING SO ANGRY AND SO OUT OF SORTS. I HATE MYSELF!
Mary, no one is going to want to know about any of what we’re writing together, because who’s going to believe there is actually a Heavenly Mother as well as our Heavenly Father. We’ve all been conditioned too heavily and for too long to believe otherwise. And who is going to believe you are Jesus’ soulmate, and especially with The Urantia Book sounding so authoritative, who would go against that. So I will just get categorised in the nutcase camp, which is probably right as that’s how I feel right now, and I’ll write all my shit and put it out there and it will all die and be forgotten when I die.
Mary, the whole world is looking for and dreading the arrival any moment of the Big One, the Antichrist, the one who does everyone, or tries to do everyone, in, tries to take over and ruin everything, and yet they need to look no further than me, because I am that man. I am the antichrist because I am anti all they are, all they believe, I think the whole world is wrong, that we’re all wrong, and here I am saying you and Jesus back me and say the same things when I’m sure most people will think I’m making you and Jesus up as a ploy, someone to hide behind because I can’t and don’t want to just come right out and say it. And that if I did, no one would listen to me anyway because I am a nothing, and so it would make sense to pretend that Jesus and Mary speak to me and this is what they say.
I am the one everyone dreads because I am the one who’s saying it’s all shit, that we’ve got it all wrong, that we’re all going the wrong way, and that we’ve all been parented unlovingly to some degree, because we’ve all been made to be part of the evil rotten thing, and all made to think that how it is is right.
It’s all mad, so bizarre, the one they all fear, the antichrist, is the one who will come and be the most evil, but what does that mean, he’ll just take over and ruin this how they are, but everything is already evil. So what, he comes and makes things even more evil, but people don’t see it like that, he’s just used as a scapegoat all so they live happily on justifying their own evil existences, saying we’re good, we’re not bad, he’s the bad one, we can all hate him and go to war and fight him and fuck him off, just as we did to Jesus getting rid of him because he threatened to disturb the powers that be.
I feel so mad, demented by it all Mary, just raving on, it’s all shit, the whole lot, myself and all we humanity are, and yet we go around all day long patting ourselves on our backs at how great we are, progressing so well, building all such wonderful nature-destroying things. Oh wow, look at China’s new proposed double hulled aircraft carrier, now isn’t that something; wow, that’s better than the American’s, that’s way ahead of its time, that’s out of the box. But what a fucking waste of time and money, and on and on we go building all these advanced weapons, but for what, so we can actually have it out one day and blow ourselves to bits. It’s all such nonsense, but no more nonsense than belonging to such nonsense religions and spiritual systems, and no more nonsense than all my shit saying that it’s all shit.
I’m sorry Mary for using you to go on about it all, I’m sick of yelling at Marion today.
It’s not a problem James, it’s all better out than in, and it does nothing to hurt Jesus or I. We completely sympathise with you, our jobs on Earth were simple, we saw the limitations, we were true, we could easily see the untruth, we could see where humanity was, where it was going and how little we could interfere. And we could see how you’d take all we said, mostly all Jesus said, and turn it against yourselves as you’ve done by creating truth-denying religions for yourselves. But as I said, not being of it, not being ourselves all caught up in it like you are, we don’t envy you and your difficulties of getting yourselves out of it. And it can’t be straight forward because it’s all untrue, it’s all living against all that’s right, good and true. So every step of the way you are going to feel as you are feeling, mad and demented and very angry about it, there’s no other way you can feel because that’s how you felt when you were growing up being subjected to your parents control over you. They rejected the real and true you, and so you’ve been forced to reject yourself, and to stop that, to turn it all around and to start truly loving yourself back to the real and true you, especially when you’ve no idea what the real and true you is, it’s very difficult indeed, as you’ve been saying. And the only help we can offer you is encouragement to keep going expressing all your bad feelings, whilst you seek the truth of them; and to keep going doing what you feel, as there is nothing else you can do, nor is there anything else to be done. The Mother and Father through your soul are guiding you, and your soul will make you feel and then act on your feelings all whilst you keep accepting, expressing and longing to uncover their truth. That’s the formula, and unless you don’t want to keep trying to live true, and so just give it all up and go back to how you were, then all you can do is keep going.
I don’t think I could go back to be how I was even if I wanted to, I’ve changed too much. But I don’t want to anyway, I hated how I was, and except for when I feel full of anger and demented again like now, I like how I’m becoming so much more than how I was.
Mary, I’m going to stop now. I’ll go yell and rant and rave at Marion some more. Thank you again for just listening. I’ll speak to you soon.
I’ll be here James. Bye for now.