I am doing that I have to admit. As much as I hate feeling bad, the further I go, the more I am valuing my bad feelings. I don’t want to have them still, mind you, but as they surface in me, my repressed ones, and I can express them and uncover the truth they want me to see, I am grateful for them. But I do wonder Jesus, will I ever feel completely good about my shit life, and will I ever be fully happy that God put me in it, kept me in it, and left it up to me to get myself out of it.
I can’t answer that for you James, all I can say is... you’ll have to wait and see. You can work out the theory for yourself, that yes, you will one day when you’ve healed yourself of all your negative state, value it all, and even to the extent of being very happy that God gave you the opportunity of beginning life in evilness. But that day will be yours to keep dear to your own heart and I don’t want to take any of its specialness away from you.
All of which is allowing you to express your pent up and deeply repressed rage. And as you’re also finding, as you do say all you feel whilst longing for the truth of it, that truth is forth coming, showing you that in fact it’s not actually God you are angry at, but your parents. And that in a way, your relationship with God is on a different level, and one that doesn’t even include suffering or not suffering - just love. But it’s hard for you to grasp such things with your mind, and such things are not to be grasped with the mind, for the mind can’t grasp them.
I do struggle with my mind trying to understand, but I know what you mean, I can sort of sense through my feelings, that somehow, and it is beyond me - beyond my mind, it’s all, all right; and that even in some way I’m not actually suffering, not at least on the deeper true levels of myself. And that it’s only my mind that is in fact suffering and feeling all the bad feelings, it all being caught up in my negative state. I feel that in a way, what growing in truth is doing for me, is sort of elevating me above my pain and suffering, but not by ignoring it or just rising above it, but by fully honouring it, accepting it, feeling it, expressing how bad it makes me feel, and uncovering the truth of it.
What is happening to you James is that you’re healing yourself, you’re moving closer to becoming wholly your true self, and so as a consequence are simply no longer feeling as bad as you used to, as you’ve been conditioned to feel. Your repressed feelings being no longer there as you’ve expressed so many of them out of yourself now. And as you have, so your inner system has rectified itself, so you’re feeling better about yourself, and about it all, even about God and what the Mother and Father have done to you, all the horror They’ve subjected you to. And simply James, you are feeling more love for yourself, this being what your healing is all about.
I do feel like that deep open inner dark hole in me is lessening, even filling up with... with more of myself. I am feeling so much better about myself as I come to terms with the truth of how unloved I feel.
So Jesus, the Mother and Father created higher spirits with the potential to rebel, and so of course they did rebel, we and how we live being the result of that Rebellion. And the Mother and Father have sustained and evolved our evilness all so we can express these parts of our personality.
Yes. Most of Creation, as you read The Urantia Book, is perfect. There is as yet in Creation only a very minor amount of it that is imperfect, that being, subject to such rebellion. And as you also read, including Mary’s and my life and why we chose to come to Urantia in the first place, much of the perfect has been influenced by the imperfect, but all in a good way. That although evil might be said to be very trying and testing, all that results from it still has a good effect on everyone and everything, and so is valuable in that way. And as horrible as it to feel so powerless and at the mercy of seemingly unloving parents, still, everything only serves to help the personality expression of all involved to become more expressive. You will find James, that forevermore you will gain from your experience of being evil and living in evil, it will continue to have ramifications well beyond your time of being of and associated with it, and all such ramifications will far outweigh the negative, all greatly helping you with your personality expression.
So it will all be worth it?
Yes, much more than you can possibly imagine. Even though Mary and I weren’t of it, you have no idea as to how much our short time living amongst humanity under the influences of evil has helped us. Daily we still derive benefit from it. And so were you to ask us, would we as the Creator Pair of Nebadon recommend to other Creator Pairs to allow evil in their realms, we’d have to say yes, for although the short term pain and suffering is as horrible as it is, still the gain derived from it, how much it helps all involved to express more of themselves, more of their personalities, is worth it.
I feel for myself, and possibly it might be for others too, that in many ways it’s a shift in our understanding and belief - a new way or different way of looking at it all, is what we have to make.
And those necessary adjustments come as you grow in truth and your mind is adjusted into being at-one and in harmony with your true feelings. You are finding your relationship with your own evilness and with humanity’s evilness is changing almost every day, you are no longer as you were all those years ago when we first started speaking together.
Jesus, I’ve been having the feeling that really when you refer to God you would always call God your Father - Heavenly Father; and Mary, when she refers to God, would call God her Mother - Heavenly Mother. And that you’re only both saying God is our Mother and Father to help us accept, or help me anyway to accept, that God is Both our Heavenly Parents.
Yes James, by rights, I am the ‘Living Expression’ of the Father in Nebadon, as Mary is the ‘Living Expression’ of the Mother. And so we would naturally refer to God as you said, which is why sometimes in your mind you hear me go to say the Father and then I change it to the Mother and Father, for my intention is to relate to God as my Father, as is Mary’s to relate to God as her Mother. And you are then to look at us together, united as one, as the spiritual parents of Nebadon, and so see in us, and through us, that God is indeed Two who are One: one Soul that has two unique personality expressions, and so being both your Heavenly Mother and Father.
So were Mary to have been able to have her say, she would have been saying: and the Heavenly Mother... and those who see me see the Mother... I speak as the Mother speaks... and things like that.
Yes. And we would have made it clear that we were both expressing attributes of the Mother and Father that are contained, or expressed, within our souls.
And it’s the same for everyone James. You all contain, as you are aware, the masculine and feminine, and so through those attributes of your own personality you can relate, not only to your own physical parents, but to Mary and I as your spiritual parents, and to the Mother and Father as your Soul Parents. And the more you discover and express, and all through your feelings, the attributes of your personality, so the more you’ll come to know the Mother and Father as you know yourself, which is the whole point of it. Because the more you come to know yourself, so too do the Mother and Father come to know you. On the existential level of soul reality, They of course know all, however it’s on the experiential level of personality expression, that They can get to know us as we can get to know Them, and all as we get to know ourselves. So what Mary and I are showing you is the way to uncover the truth of your soul, which means, how to fully and freely express your souls personality; and as you do, and all - I stress - through your feelings, so too will you get to know God. You can only know something through yourself - as you know yourself. So the more you know yourself, so the more you can know others, nature and also God - your Heavenly Mother and Father. And so that’s why it keeps coming back to feelings, because it’s ONLY through your feelings that you can come to know yourself - the truth of yourself. You can’t do it through your mind, because your mind is not feeling. You can only feel yourself, who and what you are, not think or believe yourself. You can think you know or believe you know yourself, but that’s not the same as feeling yourself, and knowing yourself through your feelings. Knowing, because you feel it to be true, the truth of yourself.
Thank you Jesus. I’ll leave it at that. It seems and appropriate place to end.
Speak to you soon James.